There's conflict inside of me, a psychological warfare going on in my head.
For a few weeks now, I have struggled to write. I have tried to ignore the fact that I signed up to do this and the more I try to push it away, the more I realize how much I miss writing. Writing or anything else that 'I' enjoy must be kept at the end of all the things that needs to get done.
The kids are doing great on the other hand, go figure. They seem to be happy and content, spending their days swimming, watching movies, playing outside or pinning a few hours thinking about our next scheduled outing. It's that simple for them.
I guess to some, this particular dilemma could fall under #firstworldproblems. I kid, but the reality is, as much as I love writing, I love my kids more. I love spending time with them and each moment I spend in front of the computer trying to figure out what to write ... always feels like a moment wasted.
Today, I told myself ... this is on hold. There won't be much progress ... well, not until the kids are back in school. There are a lot of emotions to wrestle with, mostly that impending doom of college and having one less kid at home. For the time being, the whole idea needs to gradually filter in because I cannot embrace it wholeheartedly.
Cleaning out one closet at a time, one room at a time, and packing one box at time. Compartmentalizing my life is a shitty way to live but it's the only way I could find a semblance of order. It's a lot to deal with and I feel beat and some days beaten.
Here we are and even at checkmate! I say, give me a moment to think this through because I'll never tip my queen. So I'm not throwing the towel in yet, just taking a little hiatus to figure out how to accept the inevitable changes in my life...